160. Saint Augustine. Part two;
Conversion
St Augustine carried on his pursuit for worldly gains and
passions till he was 32 years old. He taught the art of public speaking to
pupils. He was studying for the law. He was at the top of the school for
rhetoric. He was pleased with his superior status and swollen with conceit. He
was vain and ambitious and wanted to cut a fine figure in the world. He was
eager for fame, wealth and marriage. He consulted imposters, the astrologers
(although he refused to consult sorcerers because they sacrificed animals and
prayed to spirits). He went to the theatre and watched the spectators enjoy
their sadness, by witnessing the tragedy and suffering on the stage (although
to his credit, he never liked the gladiatorial shows because of the cruelty).
He described himself: ‘But why do I talk of these things? I lived in
misery, like every man whose soul is tethered by the love of things that cannot
last and then is agonized to lose them’
He was a slave of
lust. He had a mistress and together they had a son. After she left him and
went back to Africa, he found another mistress. He describes those days:
“I had prayed to You for
chastity and said ‘Give me chastity and continence, but not yet’. For I was
afraid that You would answer my prayer at once and cure me too soon for the
disease of lust, which I wanted satisfied, not quelled”
His dear friend died. He mourned for him. He narrates his
grief in eight pages ‘What
madness, to love a man as something more than human! What folly to grumble at
the lot man has to bear! I lived in a fever, convulsed with tears and sighs
that allowed me neither rest nor peace of mind’
He wondered about the powers the astronomers possessed; they
could foretell eclipses of sun and moon many years before they happened, and
whether the eclipse would be total or partial.
But he still searched for truth. He read many books,
including Aristotle’s ‘Ten Categories’. He talked to many learned men but none
could satisfy him. He writes:
‘Truth!
Truth! How the marrow of my soul within me yearned for it’
And finally, he met a man of God; Bishop Ambrose, in Milan
(now called St. Ambrose), who was known throughout the world for his goodness.
He writes: ‘Unknown to
me, it was You who led me to him, so that I might knowingly be led by him to
You. This man of God received me like a father…….My heart warmed to him’.
Although he could not talk to Ambrose face to face, because
the Bishop was always busy, but at least, over a period of time, after
listening to the sermons of Ambrose he turned towards Catholic teaching. He
writes:
‘I
was glad too that at last I had been shown how to interpret the Holy Scripture
of the law and the prophets in a different light from that which I had
previously made them seem absurd’.
He narrates a strange incident. It is not clear whether it
was day or night, and whether he was asleep or awake.
‘I
entered the depth of my soul…….I saw the Light……….. What I saw was quite
different from any light we know on earth…... It shown above my mind……... It
was above me because it was the Light itself that made me, and I was below
because I was made by it. All who know that Light, and all who know this Light
know eternity’.
‘I
heard your voice calling from on high, saying “I am the food of full-grown men.
Grow and you shall feed on Me. But you shall not change Me into Your own
substance, as you do with the food of your body. Instead you shall be changed
into Me’”
He now started loving God! But he was amazed that he did not
persist in enjoying Him. He began to search the means to gain strength in
enjoying God. He found the strength through the mediator between God and men,
Jesus Christ.
He derived great joy and comfort in writing of Apostle Paul.
This mote has learnt that if one adopts the path of religion
to reach God (which unfortunately I could not) then due to certitude the task
becomes easier. St Augustine makes this point:
‘It
is one thing to catch sight of the land of peace……and unable to find the way to
it, struggle on through trackless wastes where traitors and runaways, captained
by their prince,……lie in wait to attack. It is another thing to follow the high
road to that land of peace, the way that is defended by the care of the
Commander’.
Two mystics (Shahab and the mystic from Bhaun, Pakistan, blogs
65-6,103) have written in their books, that they were never assailed by doubts.
Now, the chain of events which led to the most important
event of his life; the episode of the garden.
