213. Epilogue: Letter to God
This is the epilogue to book five. This is 4:37 on 5/23/2016. I want to take few months break due to two reasons. First, nobody, or close to nobody, reads my blogs. That is discouraging; my thoughts are worth nothing to the world. Second, I get no encouragement from God in my quest. He could support my heart by providing me some help. But during these 16 years, 5 months and few days He has given me zero help (He has given me lot of technical help but that does not count). What I want is some breakthrough which should clarify the issue, remove all doubts, and be supernatural (beyond human power) in kind. And it is very simple. For instance if Qalandar-a-Azam (QA) or Daata Sahib (DS) directly contact me by making words in my brain, as they do quite frequently with RQ and SK, it will give me certitude, because only God and His deputies can form words in brain (Devil reportedly has this capacity, but I do not want to bring him in this equation___ it is between me and God).
O God, help me. Take pity on me. You are leaving everything up to me. I am not capable of reaching you on my own. I have tried but failed. The task is too big for me. I am not strong like BBJ or QA. I am a very ordinary person. I could become strong with a little help from You. If I could see green Allah sign on closing my eyes and have only Your thought in my mind at that time, I could have great progress. There is a string of brass bells hanging in my meditation room, if only they would chime.
Dear God, You are too big and I am too small, like a grain of sand and mighty sun. if You are not going to help me, why select such an unworthy person. Anybody who travels on this path is selected by You. You select them to select themselves.
I have two more things to say. One; that I did put everything on line to be near You. There were 2-3 days when my life hung in balance. I did pass the test. Last year You sent a test of sickness which lasted for several months. I would cough for days 2-3 hundred times per 24 hours. My brother wanted to pray for my health and wanted me to do a vazeefa. I absolutely refused both. Never for once did I ask You for relief. I wanted to submit to Your will, not willy-nilly but willingly. Two, all these mighty saints were shown a glimpse of You in 16 years. After such a glimpse, sticking to the path is a virtual certainty. Leaving the path is not an option for anybody. I have not been given a glimpse, despite the fact that I am weaker than them. I should be given some credit for my tenacity.
Take the one (and only) instance where You sent direct supernatural help to console me. Through RQ I was told that I will get what I want at or before age 78. The trouble is that I cannot verify it till the actual event happens. I cannot convince anybody else that God has told me so (through intermediaries). if the message had come through somebody who did not know me, it would have been believable ___like Shahab’s sister-in-law in Germany who knew nothing about Shahab’s prayer to God for Lady Fatima’s help (blog 65), prior to her dream, yet told him about his prayer and its acceptance. . On the other hand, RQ knew everything about me; his message was tainted with prior knowledge of me. Maybe they were his own thoughts.
Current status is that there has been no further progress for about 6 months. As if there is a wall in front. The speed of bicycle has increased but it never takes off to become an aircraft. I do not too much mind the delay till age 78, what drives me to madness is lack of a clear sign. I asked QA to contact me directly, but he refused. He right away understood the motive behind my request and said, “There is hell of a difference in belief in God without any miracle (to convince you) and after witnessing a miracle”. He also said, “I cannot help him even if I wanted to, nobody can. It is a matter between him and God”. His helplessness is amazing. The thought, that such a mighty Entity as God knows me and takes interest in my affairs, sends chills in my body.
My aim has changed. Green Allah sign, bliss, supernatural event, closeness to God, are all welcome but now nothing will satisfy me except merger in Him, and cessation of my separate identity, like drop merging in ocean. I get plenty of bliss everyday during my session.
June 23, 2016