171. Jesus Christ seen/heard over centuries. Part three

 

Jesus Christ appeared many times and gave instructions to St Teresa regarding the establishment of a Carmelite convent of Saint Joseph’s for nuns. This was the first house of its kind in the world. It was a small, bare house, where 12 nuns started living in poverty, austerity and prayer. There was severe opposition to its formation by general public, church officials, Mayor and City Council. The struggle lasted for years. The main reason for their opposition was the concern that from where will the money for the living expenses of these women come? Now, there are thousands of these houses, both for men and women, in the world. Here is the start:

‘One day, after Communion, the Lord gave me the most explicit command to work for this aim with all my might and made me wonderful promises^___ that the convent would not fail to be established; that great service would be done to Him in it; that it should be called St Joseph’s; that He would watch over us at one door and our Lady at the other; that Christ would go with us; that the convent would be the star giving out the most brilliant light…’

As soon as the news of this project spread, severe persecution started.

 

‘Worn out, I commended myself to God and His Majesty began to give me consolation and encouragement. He told me that I could now see what those saints who had founded religious Orders had suffered: they had had to endure much more persecution than I could imagine and we must not allow ourselves to be troubled by it’

 

Since everybody was against the project, the Provincial changed his mind and refused to sanction the plan of the new convent. She and a friend went to a very learned person of a certain Order. After consideration, the learned man advised them not to give up the plan. Other saintly persons also supported her thinking that it was an idea from God. They were secretly ready to purchase a small house. When her confessor learnt of the Provincial’s opposition he wrote to her. She writes:

 

“For, amidst this multitude of persecutions, my confessor, whom I had expected to console me, wrote that I must now have realized that all that had happened was just a dream and that henceforth I must lead a better life and not try to do anything more of the kind or talk about it any further, since I now saw what scandal it had caused. He said other things, all very distressing. But the Lord, who never failed me…..told me at once not to distress myself and said I had not offended him in the matter at all but had rendered him great service. He told me to do what my confessor ordered me and keep silence for the present and until time came to resume the project.”

St Teresa was silent about the project for 5 to six months.

 

‘One day, the Lord told me not to be worried, for my distress would soon be over. I was very glad, supposing his meaning to be that I was soon going to die.’

She proceeds: “I thought the house was too small, so small that it seemed impossible to turn it into a convent. One day, after I had communicated, the Lord said to me: ‘I have already told you to go in as best as you can’, and then added a kind of exclamation: ‘Oh, the greed of mankind! So you really think there will not be enough ground for you! How often did I sleep all night in the open air because I had not where to lay my head!’

 

To continue with the struggle for the convent; in the monastery of St Dominic she had a rapture so great that it nearly drew her out of herself altogether. She narrates:

 

‘I thought I saw myself being clothed in a garment of great whiteness and brightness. At first I could not see who was clothing me, but later I saw Our Lady on my right hand and my father St Joseph on my left, and it was they who were putting the garment upon me. I was given to understand that I was being cleansed of my sins…….Our Lady suddenly took me by the hands and told me that I was giving her great  pleasure by serving the glorious St Joseph and I might be sure that all I was trying to do about the convent will be accomplished and that both the Lord and the two of them will be served in it…….: As a sign that it was true, she said, she would give me this jewel. Then she seemed to throw around my neck a very beautiful gold collar, to which was fastened a most valuable cross….to imagine the brightness of the vision which it was the Lord’s will to send me….”

‘The beauty which I saw in Our Lady was wonderful, though I could discern in her no particular detail of form: it was her face as a whole so lovely…… and the amazing whiteness and splendor of her vestments, though the light was not dazzling’

 

‘Our Lady looked to me quite like a child……. I seem to see them ascending to heaven with a great multitude of angels. I remained quite alone, but so greatly comforted and exalted and recollected in prayer.’

 To be continued

Why does God do miracles?

 

148.  System of the World. Part Six

 

This leads us to a paradox: On one hand mankind is supposed to develop on their own, without outside interference, on the other hand glaring examples of divine intervention. No doubt is left in the mind of the participants (like prophet Muhammad^pbuh, Giri Bala, and Therese Neumann) and the people around them, that this is the finger of God doing it, because the two women lived on air for years, for everybody to see. God is supposed to be hidden. Why manifest Himself by miracles? 

I do not know the answer, but I can try. 

God intervenes in a major and a minor way due to His three eminent qualities. I have picked these three, in a litany of others, with some consideration. These are Goodness, Mercy, and His desire that people should appreciate Him, and if possible love Him.

 

Goodness. The proof of His goodness is that when He intervenes in a major way through prophets like Moses, Jesus, Muhammad^pbuh, Buddha, Krishna, the ensuing teaching is to love the fellow man. To create a good society. All the preaching of prophets and mystics, inspired by God, is to do good and make the society better.

Mercy. Although He appears indifferent, but He is merciful. If a society becomes selfish, a major reformer, like Jesus, is sent. Here is a thoughtful verse in Gita, the Hindu scripture: Lord Krishna (human incarnation of God, according to Hindu religion) said;

 

“Whenever dharma (Divine way) declines and the purpose of life is forgotten, I manifest myself on earth. I am born in every age to protect the good, to destroy evil, and to re-establish dharma.”                                                                                                                                  The Bhagvad Gita. 4:7-8
 

Why would God take the trouble of helping if not from mercy? 
 

Consider the two prayers of Mufti Sahib (blog 112). He begged God to help him in feeding his guests. Prayer was immediately answered. Money was provided. His other request was for helping him to spend Eid with his family. Again his request was granted, and money came through the hands of a stranger. The person who wept so much that skin under his eyes broke down.  He importuned God for a huge debt relief (blog 112). His request was granted. All these three episodes denote mercy. Out of all the qualities of God, this mote, appreciates His mercy the most.

 

To be appreciated if not loved: When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was, he replied; to love God.

There is something in God which is attracted towards the people who love Him. The person, who loves Him without any reward, and without any answer (from Him), is indeed rare. Because it is very difficult to love somebody which is just an idea in the mind in the form of infinite expanse of empty space; Dionysius the Areopagite gave it the name of Divine Darkness. It is difficult to love a concept. To love Goodness, Justice and Beauty. It is much easier if there was a human form to love, such as Jesus, Muhammad^pbuh, Buddha, Krishna, and Ram, or an object such as Kaaba ( the holiest site of Islam ).

 

2. What is the purpose of life? I don’t know.

 

3. Is God personal or impersonal? By personal God is meant that He is approachable. He has human qualities such as joy, sadness, love, and justice. Requests can be sent to Him as supplications. He takes interests in the affairs of the world. And finally, he interferes in the world. 

By impersonal God it is meant that He is somewhere, far, alone, absorbed in Himself. Nobody can reach Him. He is not aware of the affairs of this world. 

He is neither happy nor unhappy

He is neither angry nor jealous

He is neither just nor unjust

He is neither merciful nor cruel

He does not love or hate

He is neither good nor bad

 

From my own personal experience and from centuries of mystical thought, I am certain, as certain can be, that God is personal. To experience Him, one has to invite Him in one’s life. As I have said earlier, this is a cardinal principal. I have narrated so many incidents of His (or His deputies) interventions in blogs 102-112, that there is no doubt left of a personal God. 

But part of God is impersonal. Unapproachable.

 

The only fact which is still unclear is that what if all these instances of miracles, answering of prayers, prophecies, spirits of dead connoting life after death, are perpetrated by His deputies and not by Him? He may be remote and unattached to this world. It is an unanswerable question, but it does not bother me at all, because the system under which these deputies operate has been created by God, and all the prophets and thousands of mystics have said the same thing ( except Buddha ), on rooftops, at peril of life. These systems, such as spirits of bygone human beings, (trillions of them, over millions of years) and life after death, are huge systems. They cannot be created by humans, since they predate them. The spirits could not have developed spontaneously, because brain, like the rest of body, disintegrates.

 

Therefore, God is both personal and impersonal. The great saint Sri Ramakrishna said that impersonal and personal God cannot be separated; they are the same, like milk and its whiteness.

This mote thinks that the Holy Spirit in Christianity is based on the same principle; it is the kinetic energy of God.­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________________

(1) Dionysius the Areopagite, ‘De Mystica Theologia’. Taken from the book, ‘Mysticism’ by Evelyn Underhill

78. St Teresa of Avila. Part five

 

 

Miracles. Here are two examples. Once she was earnestly begging Jesus to restore vision to a totally blind man. The Lord appeared and talked to her. Then He said that He would always grant her anything she asked, because she won’t ask Him anything which did not tend to His glory. The vision was restored within a week.

A man was gravely ill. His sufferings, for two months, were intolerable, and he was in such torture that he would lacerate his own body. She was moved to such pity for him that she begged earnestly to Jesus to cure him. On the very next day he was free from that pain

Fray Peter of Alcantarta. St Teresa does not have enough words to praise this holy man. He did severe penances for forty seven years. He slept only for an hour and a half each night for forty years. What sleep he took was sitting down. He could not lie down in his cell which was only four and a half feet long. He never wore a hood or shoes. His only dress was a habit of sackcloth.  It was a very common thing for him to take food only once in three days. Sometimes he would go without food for a week. Once he spent three years in a house of his Order, and could not have recognized a single friar, because he never raised his eyes. Since his death she had more discussions with him than when he was alive. He advised her on many subjects. She beheld him in great bliss. He always appeared as a glorified body. He told her that the penances he had done been a happy thing for him, since they had won him such a great reward.

Some thoughts. She has written so many pearls of wisdom that it is difficult to choose. Here are some of her thoughts which have not been mentioned before in these blog:

“When one is stricken with love for God, it is a great comfort to find another stricken by it too. The two will be of mutual help”. Sri Ramakrishna used to express the same feeling by saying, that one hemp smoker likes the company of another hemp smoker.

“If there is a single thing to which a man clings, it is a sign that he sets some value on it; and if he sets some value upon it, it will naturally distress him to give it up, and so everything will be imperfection and loss (also mentioned in blog 37)”

“We shall get along all right if we walk in righteousness and hold fast to virtue, but it will mean advancing at the pace of hen and will never lead us to spiritual freedom. This procedure is good for married people……………………………………………………I would not like it in any other state, nor will anyone persuade me to think it is a good one” So much so for shariat  which Shahab advocated ( see blog 32, other paths )

This mote got a very good advice on this point: I could not advance beyond a certain point during my meditation. I tried to force the progress by whatever means I could employ. Recently I came at this warning by the saint;" when I say that people should not try to rise unless raised by God...............In the mystical theology........the understanding loses its power first because God suspends it................we must not do is to presume or think that we can suspend it ourselves; nor must we allow it to cease working: if we do, we shall remain stupid and cold and shall attain nothing whatsoever..........."

There are some thoughts of St Teresa in blog 37. They pertain to ups and downs in spiritual journey, and the joy the travelers derive from suffering.

Legacy. Her legacy is her books (specially ‘Life’, which is her autobiography) and the Houses of St Joseph, which she founded. Her autobiography has been translated in many languages. For over four centuries, millions of persons have benefitted from it, including this mote. If a book can be a guide to a seeker, this book can fulfill this role, because it gives practical steps, especially if he is a Christian, Furthermore, her love for God, pours over every sentence, and inspires the reader, especially if he suffers from the same malady. Just read these lines in the last chapter of the book:

“As I am now out of the world, and my companions are few and saintly, I look down upon the world as from above and care very little of what people say………………………………………….

He has given me a life which is a kind of sleep: when I see things, I nearly always seem to be dreaming them. I myself find no great propensity to either joy or sorrow……………………….”

“To die Lord or to suffer! I ask nothing else of Thee for myself but this” It comforts me to hear a clock strike,……………………I seem to be getting nearer to the vision of God”.

She lived for almost seventeen more years after she completed the book. We have no way of knowing what she experienced during those years. What further heights did she attain?

She established the first House of St Joseph at Avila in 1562-3. There was such a great opposition to it, that it took two years. Jesus Christ appeared to her repeatedly and told her, that how much this house meant to Him, Holy Mary, and St Joseph. At critical junctures Fray Peter of Alcantara helped her when he was alive and even when he was dead. This house was for twelve secluded Carmelite nuns who were going to live in extreme poverty, and no visible means of support. The city opposed it, and church officials opposed it. She was so wearied and tired that, one time, she agreed to the proposal of accepting an endowment. The same night Lord told her that she was not to accept an endowment. Fray Peter also appeared the same night and told her the same thing. Steady revenue causes great problems, she was told in no uncertain terms.
Now there are thousands of similar houses, both for men and women, throughout the world.

She was the originator of Carmelite Reform.  In 1970, she was declared Doctor of the Church, the first woman to be so honored

This mote considers her, along with Data Gunj Bakhash and Sri Ramakrishna, among the greatest mystics of all times                               

                                                                                                                                          

                                                                 

 

 

 

77. St Teresa of Avila. Part four

 

I will now describe the locutions, visions, and legacy of St Teresa. There are dozens and dozens of locutions and visions; I had to choose very few (maybe 10% of the visions)

Locutions. She describes how the locutions (talks) from God, differ from one’s own thoughts. Though the locutions from God are perfectly clear, they are not heard with bodily ears. She heard them very often. Since she had considerable experience, she could not be deceived by locutions from evil spirits or her own mind talking to her. Here are the differences:

1. Words are clear, not indistinct

2. the locution cannot be shut off. No resistance is possible. One is forced to hear it whether one likes it or not.

3. Aftereffects are pleasant.

4. All the predictions come true. Not one of them, so far, had been untrue. Some of the events were foretold two or three years in advance

5. “One is listening and not speaking. For while I am speaking, my understanding is composing what I am saying, whereas if I am spoken to, I am doing nothing but listen. In one case the words are indistinct and can be shut off (like one is in half sleep), while in the other case a distinct voice is talking”.

6. All of the locution is remembered. God makes sure that everything is understood and not forgotten. Words are deeply imprinted in memory and impossible to forget.

Visions. First, the Lord was pleased to reveal to her only His hands, the beauty of which was indescribable. This was her first vision of Jesus Christ with the eyes of her mind. She never had any vision of Jesus with worldly eyes

A few days later she saw the Divine face

The Lord later granted her the favor of seeing Him wholly, on many occasions.

He showed Himself to her in various forms: in His resurrection body, His wounds, as He was on the Cross, in the Garden, and sometimes He would be carrying the Cross. She was very desirous of seeing the color of His eyes, or His height, but could never do so, the image would disappear altogether.

Once He took the rosary from her hand, and on the cross of the rosary four large stones of incomparable beauty appeared. On the cross were also portrayed the five wounds. He told her that henceforth it would always look like that to her, and so it did. Nobody else could see them.

On more than one occasion, a devilish, most hideous figure, would appear while she was praying. As she narrated “I asked for holy water. Two nuns, who next came, noticed, a very bad smell, like brimstone. They won’t lie for anything” .It proves that it was not St Teresa’s imagination.

Once she had a vision of hell. This happened in the briefest space of time. She described what she saw in great detail (readers will have to read it themselves from her book). The agony of her soul, oppression, suffocation and an affliction so deeply felt, and accompanied by such hopeless and distressing misery, that she was unable to describe it fully. Later in life, all the tribulations and pains which life threw at her were light, compared to a single moment of such suffering which she had to undergo during that vision. She states “this vision was one of the most signal favors which the Lord has bestowed upon me”

A Rector was being sorely persecuted and was in great distress. One day at the elevation of the Host she saw Christ on the Cross. He spoke certain words to her, which He told her to repeat to Rector for his comfort. He also told her of future events which were going to come. She told all that to the Rector. It gave Rector great comfort, and gave him great courage to face the persecutions, that, as Jesus told, were yet to come. Everything happened as He had told her.

Now we come to the sublimest vision. Which she saw four times.

“my spirit became so completely transported, that it seemed to have completely departed the body……………..

I saw the most sacred Humanity in far greater glory than I had ever seen before. I saw a most clear and wonderful representation of it in the bosom of the Father………………………………………………….

I seemed to see myself in the presence of the Godhead”

Once when she was in prayer, she saw, for a very brief time …with perfect clarity, how all things are seen in God

“ let us say that the Godhead is like a very clear diamond, much larger than the whole world, or a mirror…………………………………………………………………….Let us suppose, furthermore, that all we do is seen in this diamond, which is of such a kind that it contains everything within itself………………………”  It was a terrifying experience.

To be continued

 

 

 

76. St Teresa of Avila. Part three

 

Third way. The saint does not dwell much on this stage. To summarize:

This is a state of partial union (with God)

This is a very lofty stage. The pleasures and joys of this stage are far sublime than those of the second stage. It is  at least of two types.

The faculties are in a state of sleep, they are neither wholly lost, nor can understand how they work

Sensations are absent, or almost absent

Union is incomplete

Will is gone

Understanding is partly gone

Memory is present

Imagination is present but cannot concentrate

Another type may be so different from the Prayer of the Quiet, in which the soul does not want to move, that it may be active in works of charity and at the same time in contemplative life

Fourth Way. This last water is characterized by complete union (with God). This is the highest state, in mysticism, that can be achieved by a human being while alive. Perhaps it is the same as nirbi kalpa Samadhi of Hinduism. There are no feelings, except happiness.

Sensations are absent

Power (to move) is gone

Understanding is gone

Union is complete

Will is gone

Imagination is gone

Memory is lost

Rejoicing is present. Joy is ineffable

Person finds him/herself bathed in tears

 

When we say, sensations are gone, we mean, the soul cannot see or hear or speak (If she sees or hears, she does not know what she is seeing or hearing). If the soul can communicate in any form, her rejoicing, then it is not union

This stage, at least initially, often comes after prolonged meditation. It often comes without warning, when the person least expects it.  It is very brief, at the most half an hour.

St Teresa was very curious as to what the soul experienced during this stage. She could not describe it. As she was going to write this chapter ( she had just undergone this stage)  , God spoke to her “ it dies to itself wholly, daughter, in order that it may fix itself more and more upon Me; it is no longer itself that lives, but I………………………..

St Teresa became certain that God is physically present in the room, and a very learned man confirmed it.                             

What are the benefits to the soul? They are many; contentment, joy, bursting with love for God, helping others, piety,etc. but here is one which is special;”……………………..it begins to benefit its neighbors, and they become aware of this benefit because the flowers have now so powerful a fragrance as to make them desire to approach them. They realize that the soul has virtues…..”

Rapture. This is a form of union or something higher than union. It is also called, ecstasy, flight of the spirit or transport. How is it different from union?

A tremendous power descends upon one. One is helpless against this strong, swift impulse. No resistance is possible, whereas in union, one could resist the union. It is as if a little sparrow was being carried away by a mighty eagle. As if one was being ground to powder. The Lord raises the soul up till it is right out of itself. The soul seems no longer to animate the body. The soul, then, seems to be, not in itself at all, but on the house-top, or the roof, of its own house, and raised above all created things; “she thought it was far above even its own very highest part.”

The soul goes through various feelings, which are so different from each other. For instance there is great happiness, but at the same time there is great weariness and detachment. At times soul feels great loneliness. She is away from God. She is searching for God. She asks herself “where is thy God” There is death-like yearning for God. This suffering also brings greatest happiness, so much so that she would like to spend the rest of her life in this suffering and joy. “Pain is excessive, the pulses almost cease, bones are all disjointed, and the hands are stiff. Until the next day I have pains in my wrists and the entire body” the Lord told her that her soul was being purified by this distress like gold in a crucible.

One feels cold (away from body heat)

The Lord’s mighty power makes one humble

Initially it produces great fear

At the end of a deep rapture, the body is incapable of movement, sometimes for hours. The faculties may remain absorbed for a day or two, or even for three days, as if they were in a state of stupor.

It is more beneficial. The soul has no desire to seek or possess any free will. She wants nothing except the will of God; the soul wants to be neither her own master nor anybody else’s.  Worldly matters are of little concern.

“Once when we were together in choir, and I was on my knees and about to communicate, my body was raised from the ground. It caused me the greatest distress. It seemed to me the most extraordinary thing, and I thought there would be a great deal of talk about it, so I ordered the nuns not to speak of it. On other occasions, when I felt that the Lord was going to enrapture me, I have lain on the ground and the sisters have come and held me down. I begged the lord not to grant me any favors which had visible and exterior signs. He was pleased to accept my desire, and since then I have not received such favors.

My soul, now, when not occupied, finds itself continually in this death-like yearning for God. They make me afraid.  But once in the state, I want to stay in the state, forever.”

The soul is in such a torment, that it does not want solitude (like it used to), the only companionship it seeks is with one to whom it can voice its complaint

In this state of ecstasy occur true revelations, great favors and visions.

To be continued

75. St Teresa of Avila. Part 2

 

St Teresa compares the soul of the seeker (or traveler) to a garden. God has already selected the person. He has uprooted the weeds and planted nice plants in that soil. Now, if properly watered, the plants will produce fragrant flowers. There are 4 ways the garden can be watered:

1. By taking the water from a well, and carrying it to the garden, a labor intensive method

2. By water-wheel and buckets, when the water is drawn by a windlass; a less laborious way

3. By a stream or a brook. This is very efficient and less laborious than the first two

4. By heavy rain, when God waters it Himself, when the water is needed. No effort of the gardener is needed

First Way.The Saint describes the first way in great detail, because almost every one passes through this stage. It is the most difficult, and lasts for a long time. Many a times, one loses all hope. One crosses this period only by God’s help, and not by his/her efforts. Patience and perseverance are a must. It is important to remember that God is fair and just, one’s efforts are always rewarded

I could spend several pages on this stage. Briefly, the person goes to a solitary place and thinks of some image. She used to picture Christ tied to the column, but, dozens of other images can be chosen. She would reflect upon the pains He bore. Why did He choose to bear them? With what love and fortitude He bore them?............She would weep (that is what she calls watering the garden )

If one cannot weep, then there is no water in the well. Don’t be disheartened. God meant it to be like that. Aridity is good in its own right. At least try to develop tenderness and feeling of devotion at the thought of Christ. Think, that He never deserved to be there. He did it for us

She states “ consider it the greatest of favors to work in the garden of so great an Emperor”

At the same time self knowledge should not be neglected.

“Once you desire to be alone and commune with God, and abandon the pastimes of this world, the chief part of your job is done.”

Focus your thoughts, don’t allow them to wander. This is very very difficult

Once one becomes proficient, the memory and understanding are partially suspended during the deep parts of meditation.

Second Way. Here the gardener draws more water with less labor. It is also called Prayer of Quiet. The Saint tries to explain it, as best as she can, but words cannot describe the feelings of such states which can only be experienced. She uses the words, such as contentment, consolation, joy, and favors (by God) to describe the feelings of the recipient. Let me pinpoint as much as I can:

Will is partially lost (or sometimes she uses the term “kept occupied or captive” by the God)

Understanding is present, and helps the will enjoy the pleasures

Memory is present, and helps the will enjoy the pleasures

Tears of joy flow

Very little labor is required, so prayer even if continues for a long time, is not wearisome

Soul does not know what to do. Does not want to know or ask. She is content and happy.

Sometimes the pleasures and consolations are taken away. This is to teach one humility

As the soul has never gone beyond this state, it thinks there is no more to wish, and wants to stay there forever. Many, many reach this state, few pass beyond it. This prayer is a spark of true love which God has enkindled. It is a great gift. God has chosen him/her.

Her words “the flowers have now reached a point at which they are almost ready to bloom”

She did not understand Latin, but in this state she could understand the meaning of the words she was reciting as if they were in Spanish language.

The Saint states that when one starts the prayer (of first degree or way), it is most important, to detach oneself from all kinds of pleasures. This is the same teaching which this mote has found in mystic practices of all religions; Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and others. Conquer one self

To be continued

 

74.   St Teresa of Avila . Part one

St Teresa of Avila was one of the greatest saints of all times. She left an account of her life in her own handwriting; therefore, we do not have to worry about the veracity of her account. However, some of her statements are so fantastic that one has to consider the possibility that during those deep trances she might be imagining things. She herself has not entirely ruled out that possibility.

 She was the author of multiple books. Her books were in Spanish language, but now they have been translated in many languages. She was born approximately in 1515 and died in 1582. She entered, as Novice nun in the Carmelite convent of the Incarnation, Avila, in 1536.

She became seriously ill when she was young. The illness lasted for about 3 years. About 2 years before she became ill, she saw a nun who was afflicted with a very severe illness. She had sores on her stomach and could not tolerate food.  She soon died. All the nuns were afraid of it but not St Teresa. She writes: “I begged God that He would send me any illness He pleased if only He would make her as patient as she. Her Majesty heard my prayer".

Be careful of what you pray, lest it may be granted!

 Initially she had severe pains from head to foot, which gave her no rest. Then she had convulsions. She herself describes:

My tongue was bitten to pieces………I could not take water. As a result of the torments I had suffered during these days, I was all doubled up like a ball, and no more able to move arm, foot, hand or head than if I had been dead…………I could move, I think, only one finger of my right hand…….They used to move me in a sheet.

My extreme weakness cannot be described. I was very glad when sharp and constant pains went away, although I could hardly endure the cold fits of quartan ague which were very severe. I remained in this condition for more than eight months, and my paralysis, though it kept improving, continued for nearly three years. When I began to get about on my hand and knees, I praised God. All this I bore with great resignation, and, except at the beginning, with great joy; for none of it could compare with the pain and torments which I had suffered at first.

Life of a mystic, before he or she reaches perfection, is very hard. She was attracted to both the world and the God. She writes “when I was in the midst of worldly pleasures, I was distressed by the remembrance of what I owed to God; when I was with God; I grew restless because of worldly affections. More than 18 of the 28 years, since I started prayer, have been spent in this battle.” Sometimes she would receive favors. God was very merciful to her to give her the gift of tears. Once, as she entered oratory, her eyes fell on an image of Christ, sorely wounded. She was deeply moved to see Him like that. She writes “I felt as if my heart was breaking, and I threw myself down beside Him, shedding flood of tears………………”

“When picturing Christ, wounded, I used unexpectedly to experience a consciousness of the presence of God”. She felt, He was within her and she was wholly engulfed in Him. It is called mystical theology. Her memory , would almost completely be lost, understanding would be present, but would not reason

In 1555-6, she thought that she was hearing inner voices, and seeing visions. She had her first imaginary vision of Christ in 1558. She had several visions of Jesus, Holy Mary, St Joseph (her patron saint), angels; all with the eyes and ears of mind. She never saw them with worldly eyes.

She considered herself very lucky to have received these favors in the amount of time she had spent. She states that His Majesty has given her these experiences in 27 years (from the time she started practicing prayer), which others might have needed 37 or 47 years (“Although ill as I have walked and often as I have stumbled on this road”)

In the next installment, she describes the four degrees of prayer